As I sit here holding Olivia while she sleeps, I visit my regular blogs that I read. There are a few I have found quite interesting. I visit them every few days, they are mostly all about their newborn babies, or their pregnancy. I love reading about newborns and the excitement of pregnancy and look forward to getting pregnant again. I start to think to myself that I want another baby sooner rather than later. It brings so much joy and new life to everything. All these new little bundles getting ready to make their mark on this big, amazing world.
A few weeks ago I found a blog that has touched me so deeply. This woman shares her struggles of getting pregnant (I haven't read the entire thing, but have gone back to the beginning of her blog and that is what I have found). Apparently they went thru IVF, I'm not sure how many rounds they did, but I know they did IVF and they got pregnant. She was due April 6th (last Sunday). When I first found her blog the first post I read was about her loss. What? Her loss? She's pregnant and due in a couple weeks. As I went back and read her older posts she talks about on March 6th she went to her doctor appointment and they found no heartbeat on her son. Her doc quickly did an ultrasound and there was no movement, nothing. She lost her son at 36 weeks pregnant. How devastating, how terrible. Especially at 36 weeks a baby has a WONDERFUL chance of survival and being healthy. What went wrong? They are unsure, maybe an umbilical cord problem...they don't know. They induced her labor and she gave birth to her son. She said the nurses dressed him, took his hand and footprints and his picture. My heart aches for her, I cannot imagine how she must feel. Day by day not having her perfect, beautiful little baby boy to care for and love.
Last week, April 6th, her due date, her and her husband had a memorial for Devin (their son). They planted a tree in their backyard as a memory of him. They had family come and she had a display of some of his things. She posts almost everyday and a lot of times just writing how she feels on a daily basis. She says some days she feels very numb, and she likes feeling numb. Then other days she is very into the moment and gets very emotional.
I find myself trying to put myself in her shoes. Some place I hope I never have to be. To spend so much time preparing for the arrival of her son, for it all to be a dream. I don't know how you could go on living. I guess you do as she as done. I admire her being able to write down and share all of this, on the internet, for anyone to see.
I think in a way I was supposed to find her blog for a few different reasons. One is obvious, to not take things for granted. This woman is in a minority. Most pregnancies go on and a newborn baby is born and is healthy. But, there is a minority and this DOES happen. Its happened to two friends of ours. One baby was stillborn at 20 weeks (about a week before Olivia was born) and another one of our friends had a stillborn baby around 25 weeks. I think of myself and when we do try for another baby I pray we will be able to get pregnant as easy the 2nd time as it was the first and that I have another healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. I have found I need to let it all go into God's hands. Its all in His plan, not mine, not Matt's, not my mother in law's! Believe it or not I think about getting pregnant again almost on a daily basis. Mostly thinking of the "correct timing" and age gaps. But her blog has shown me that its not up to me. I knew that already, but its kind of a slap in the face from God himself! I don't want to get pregnant right now. I want to wait until next summer (2009) to start trying, but Matt and I have agreed for me to go off birth control...starting next month! But, I have come to realize that if it does happen sooner than that, we will be ok.
The second thing that has opened my eyes while reading her blog is this. Olivia has been sleeping in our bed for 7 months now. Something I am quite ashamed of and something we really need to work on. The reason she is in our bed is because that is around the time Matt started working all crazy kinds of hours. There are nights where he will work 'til 11pm because of over time (and he has clients on the Westcoast). She started to wake in the middle of the night and I just found it easier to put her to sleep in my bed rather than her crib. Thus=co-sleeping. Before anyone gives their opinions on this, please hear me out! I know a lot of people look down on co-sleeping, myself being one of them! We are going to start getting her back into her crib, but after reading her blog, its made me realize that life is so precious and fragile why sweat the small stuff. Yeah, Olivia is sleeping in our bed...SO WHAT! In the long run does it really matter to have a little extra snuggle time? She won't be in our bed forever, so why not cherish these times now. There will come a day when she will think mom and dad are dorks and she will think she knows it all! And unfortunately she won't want to have anything to do with us as she is trying to find herself going thru her teenage years.
Anyways, this post is getting rather long and I am starting to get sidetracked, but I wanted to share this with you. All of our children are gifts. I know I cherish mine more and more everyday.
5 comments:
Ryan slept with us until he was almost 2. once you get it started it is hard to stop and you almost have to wait until they can understand that you aren't abandoning them. we bribed ryan to sleep in his own bed and it went very well but there are nights we miss him and let him sleep with us. i know what a miracle every baby is but mine especially so you're right, what is wrong with a little extra snuggle? she won't expect you to go to college with her and sleep with her.
Oh, I TOTALLY agree with you!!! Our kids end up in our bed alot! It bothers Gary alot more than me - I enjoy snuggling with my babies, even if I get a kick in the face once in a while. Now that Avery is getting bigger too it makes me realize how fast time goes by. The grow up so fast and I am going to miss these baby days when they are teenagers wanting nothing to do with us! I'm gonna cry now! You are so right though - why sweat the small stuff? I used to stress over getting the kids to sleep in their beds, but you know what? It doesn't really matter in the long run - they are still going to be happy well-adjusted adults!!
I also can't imagine going through a loss like that, especially after going throug so much to get pregnant. It's so scary to think about and hard not to dwell on, especially if you are thinking about gettnig pregnant soon! Maybe we will get pregnant at the smae time and have little cousins for each other the same age!!!!
I would love to read that woman's blog.......what a strong person she is!
Girl, you would laugh if you knew HOW COMMON co-sleeping is!!! Daws slept in our bed until he was 3 and a half and then I slept in his bed for a long time with him. Now it's gone down to once a week, I will sleep in bed with him. I have nothing against it at all as far as the well being for the child goes. The only concern I have is what it does to a marriage. Husbands just don't feel the same way we do about having babies in bed with us and that's the tough part!!! It strained our marriage and intamacy for a long time but I still would never trade those nights snuggling with my baby boy......it especially means alot to me, even now since I do have a grown son who does not enjoy snuggling with his mama! ha
Oh and by the way, I really enjoy hearing the deep thoughts of your heart......please open up more often.....it's great to share our feelings and support each other!
what a beautiful post!!!!!!!!
I feel that it is vital that we place ourselves in the shoes of others. I try to do it daily. God puts people or their stories in our lives for a reason. Pray daily that God brings your new baby to his/her full life and gives him/her to you out of the womb. Whenever that happens, pray daily! I also feel terribly for that woman. I am sure God has amazing plans for her and her family of ways for her to share her story and bring others to God.
The sleeping thing is SO hard. Both of our kids currently sleep with us. While I LOVE the time with them, the fact is the longer we do it, the harder it becomes to break it.
The one thing I have seen throughout my nanny career and my life is that children who sleep with their parents young (under one or so) are WAY less independent. I am not saying that that is terrible. It just proves challenging when you try and leave them with a sitter (even family) or later, Kindergarten.
My boys both slept in their own beds until they got a little older and i found that when they did, there was such a clear difference in how much they felt they could do without me (in a good way).
You should continue doing it if you are all happy. My boys' dr. told us if we are all happy together in bed that it is fine as long as our children are not stuck to us all day long too.
They are not and they stay with others when we leave them so it is fine. She said that studies show that babies especially don't want to turn off the together time at all if they sleep with their parents. Not always bad but something to think about.
It sounds like you are perfeclty happy so there is no need to change things.
Post a Comment